Letting Go of Expectations

Often what harms our relationships most are the expectations we have of people. Yet, mindfulness is at heart about accepting what is, or as Byron Katie likes to say, loving what is. Loving what is includes loving the people in our lives for who they are.

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A fundamental tenet of mindfulness meditation is that we are not our thoughts. If we are not our thoughts, then it only stands to reason that other people are not our thoughts either. They are not who we think they should be. They are not necessarily even who we think they are. The skepticism and compassion we bring to the self-defeating thoughts we have about ourselves in mindfulness meditation, we also need to bring to the negative thoughts we have about other people, especially the thoughts that keep telling us the other person isn’t good enough. 

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Of course, expectations that protect our well-being and happiness, like the expectation that people treat us with respect and are honest with us, are healthy and appropriate. The expectations we are referring to are the ones that have more to do with our ego than the happiness and well-being of the other person. They are the expectations that distort our ability to see and cherish the people in our lives for who they are; the expectations that prevent us from connecting with others in an authentic and meaningful way; the expectations that end up erecting invisible barriers between us and the people we love. These expectations will over time, and often without our awareness, erode the intimacy and love we experience in our lives.

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We all depend on our relationships to fulfill certain desires and needs that we have. The problem is when our needs and desires begin to overshadow what’s in the best interest of the other person or what the other person wants for themselves. While it’s only natural to want to help the people we love recognize and reach their full potential, it’s a fine line between helping someone reach their full potential and expecting them to do so. The expectation that they do so usually has more to do with what we want for the person than with what they want for themselves. 

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We live in a culture obsessed with appearances and outward accomplishments. It's only natural for those preoccupations to infiltrate how we value ourselves and our loved ones. We think we have our child’s best interest at heart when we want them to attend a top university and have every opportunity in life. But can any university give a child that? And at what cost? We think we are helping our partner by putting them on a diet to lose those few extra pounds – they will feel so much better about themselves if they do. Will they feel better, or will you? Our expectations may seem benign, even helpful, but we should always be questioning their motives. Is our expectation in alignment with what our loved one wants for themselves, or is it based on some idea we have about them? Is our expectation really helping the person, or is it detracting from our ability to love and support them for who they are. 

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