Leading With Curiosity, Not Judgment

“Today is the first day of the rest of your life.” This famous maxim perfectly captures the possibility for growth and change that each of us possesses every day we wake up on our spinning blue planet. In mindfulness, this possibility for growth and change exists each and every moment that we are here and alive. Even if we cannot change the physically circumstances of our lives, we have the freedom, at any given moment, to radically change our inner attitude and thinking.

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This freedom we possess to change our inner attitude and thinking at any given moment also applies to the people in our lives. While people tend to repeat certain patterns of behavior that we come to associate with their personality and character, we also need to be careful not to become too boxed in by the patterns we perceive. Not only can our perceptions stifle any possibility of the people in our lives growing and changing, they can also hinder our own personal growth and change as we become stuck in rigid and predictable dynamics with our family members and friends.

To ensure our relationships continue to evolve and thrive and that we do so as well, we need to reject our automatic default mode with people. We need to set aside any fixed ideas or judgments we have have of someone and approach the person with as open and curious a spirit as possible. Our judgments, after all, are based on the past. And we’re not living in the past. We’re living right now, in the present moment, with the other person. At any given moment, the person might very well surprise us. Better yet, we might surprise ourselves. 

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Our judgments are artifacts from our past. Without us fully appreciating it, they can keep us tethered to the past and, as the Buddha said, “Life can only take place in the present moment. If we lose the present moment, we lose life.” Not only can our judgments cause us to miss out on life, they are often more revealing of our own inner world than the inner world of the other person. When we are quick to judge someone for something they say or do, we should be skeptical of our swift and sure verdict. Would someone else have reacted the same way? Could there be an explanation for the person’s behavior? Why was our response so ungenerous – what does it reveal about our own emotional well-being and capacity to forgive, both ourselves and others?

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While certain human behavior certainly deserves our condemnation and moral outrage, many of the micro-judgments we internalize about people only serve to isolate us. Curiosity, on the other hand, builds and strengthens our social bonds. Unlike judgment, curiosity is all about embracing the present moment. Curiosity recognizes that life is in a constant state of creation and revels in its limitless possibilities. Curiosity appreciates how vast and intricate the human soul is and is always willing to go deeper and learn more. Curiosity is open and playful and delights in surprise. Curiosity releases dopamine and other feel-good chemicals in our brain. It gives us pleasure and has also been linked to higher levels of positive emotions and lower levels of anxiety.

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To practice the principle Leading With Curiosity, Not Judgment, we begin by consciously setting aside any assumptions and internal judgments we have about our co-mindfulness partner. No matter how familiar our partner may seem to us, we humbly acknowledge the profound enduring mystery of who they are. We know that the vast internal landscapes we inhabit, our partner inhabits as well. And so, we approach our partner with genuine curiosity and a desire to discover something new about them. We seek to be astonished, charmed and amazed by them. As we lead with curiosity, we continue to deeply listen, ask open-ended questions and give our full attention, allowing the principles to enrich and build on each other.

“Once we believe in ourselves, we can risk curiosity, wonder, spontaneous delight, or any experience that reveals the human spirit.”

                                          e.e. cummings