Co-mindfulness is a deeply giving practice and we choose to practice it from a place of strength, grounded in the knowledge of who we are and our own self-worth. At no point does giving generously of ourselves involve compromising our integrity or core values. Practicing co-mindfulness should never lead to people inappropriately crossing our boundaries in ways that make us feel uncomfortable or minimized. Our generosity is not an invitation for others to take advantage of us or mistreat us in any way. While the people in our lives don’t have to practice co-mindfulness with us, they do need to honor our boundaries and express gratitude for the compassion and attention we give them.

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One important way people express their gratitude is by respecting our time. If you find that practicing co-mindfulness with a friend has resulted in your friend incessantly talking about themselves with little to no regard for your time, then they are taking advantage of your generosity. If you notice your friend keeps checking the alerts on their phone when you finally share what’s going on in your life, it’s probably a sign that they don’t value you as much as they should. The magnanimity we show others in co-mindfulness is meant to generate connection, not our submission or silence. In your relationships, you should always feel seen, heard and valued. You should never be made to feel like an overlooked, silent spectator to someone else’s life.

 

Feeling silenced, drained, ignored, or resentful when practicing co-mindfulness with someone likely means the person is failing to appreciate and respect you. If that’s the case, it’s important that you commit to the truth and let the person know how their actions are making you feel. You could say something like: “I notice you keep checking your phone while I’m talking. It makes me feel like you don’t care about what I’m saying.” If, after sharing your feelings, the person still fails to mend their ways, then it might be time to ask yourself what you are receiving from the relationship and if there are other people who would value you more. When we stay in relationships that we’ve outgrown, we stifle our own growth and opportunities for more meaningful connections. 

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More than money, success, or fame, our relationships keeps us happy, healthy and living longer. However, as the Harvard Study for Adult Development discovered, it’s not the number of relationships that we have that matter, but the quality of our relationships that make the difference. A few close friends who love and support us, not the number of followers we have on Instagram or Twitter, are the relationships that boost our well-being and happiness. They are the relationships that help us to thrive and realize our best selves. In fact, ambivalent friendships – ones in which we feel disregarded, unexpressed, or undervalued - have been found in scientific studies to have a detrimental effect on our health. 

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All relationships are not created equal and not all of them benefit us. It’s healthy and appropriate to acknowledge the relationships that no longer enhance our lives and move on. As Nedra Glover Tawwab, author of the best-selling book, Set Boundaries, Find Peace: A Guide to Reclaiming Yourself, writes: “Some people aren’t good for you, and they aren’t bad people.” You can recognize the positive aspects of a person and still disconnect from them if you are no longer receiving from them the love, support, and attention you deserve. 

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For many of us, it can be challenging to express our needs and wants, but speaking up for ourselves and establishing clear boundaries is critical if we want to cultivate relationships that nurture our well-being and happiness. Strong, healthy relationships are built on mutual trust, enthusiasm, respect, and support. They are the relationships in which we feel safe to express ourselves knowing our feelings and opinions will always be welcomed and valued. If someone doesn’t react well to our needs and limits, then we have all the information we need about them. 

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So, as you give your attention and compassion to others, you also need to make sure you are holding your integrity, honoring your boundaries, and staying true to who you are.

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