Giving Our Full Attention
When we meet someone who captures our imagination, the first thing we do to
express our enthusiasm is give them our full and undivided attention. Fascinated
by the person, we want to learn everything about them - what their childhood
was like, the passions that drive the choices they’ve made, how they construct
meaning out of our world. Giving someone our attention is how we value
and celebrate them. Our attention, when given wholeheartedly, opens up
understanding, empathy and connection. Giving someone our full attention may seem straightforward, but it’s not at all common. French philosopher Simone Weil described attention as “the rarest and purest form of generosity.” In co-mindfulness, we take this rarest and purest form of generosity and make it the foundation of our daily interactions with people.
Deep Listening
The principle Giving Our Full Attention begins with deep listening. Deep listening is compassionate, patient, inquisitive and has no agenda. Unlike most of the listening we do, deep listening is a deliberate quality of listening that generously gives space to another person to freely and safely express themselves. The German psychoanalyst Eric Fromm referred to listening as an “art.” If you’ve ever sat down with someone and had the experience of them listening to you without interrupting or without automatically bringing the conversation back to themselves, you know what Fromm means. We all listen but a great listener -- someone who is fully concentrated on what we are saying, who skillfully draws us out with their questions, who helps us to unravel our own inarticulate thoughts and emotions – is rare.
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To practice deep listening, we first need to do away with any expectations we might have for the conversation. When we deeply listen, it’s not about our wants and needs. It’s about the other person. Our only objective is to deepen our understanding and connection. After we’ve relinquished our expectations for the interaction, we need to consciously set aside our own preoccupations to make ourselves fully available to the other person. Deep listening is a form of hospitality and, like any considerate host, we need to clear out a space within ourselves to welcome and receive our guest.
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Once we’ve carved out a space for the other person, we then invite them to speak first and make it a habit of not saying anything until they are done talking. We carefully listen to their emotions as well as their words. When the person is done speaking, we keep the focus on them by asking open-ended questions that draw them out: “Can you tell me more about…?” “What were you feeling when…” We can also paraphrase back to them what they have said: “So, you didn’t know what to do…” Or, we can simply express our empathy for their situation: “I can understand why you would be feeling that way…” The intention is to keep the focus on the other person and demonstrate our support. Deeply and compassionately listening to what someone has to say is often all it takes for them to feel valued and cared for.
“Pay attention. It’s all about paying attention. Attention is vitality. It connects you with others. It makes you eager. Stay eager.”
Susan Sontag
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Everything That’s Not Being Said
Another feature of Giving Our Full Attention is paying attention to everything the other person’s not saying – their body language, gestures, tone of voice, the subtle facial expressions hinting at shame or some other unexpressed emotion. 60 – 80% of human communication is nonverbal. A sudden gesture or glance away can be a much more valuable clue about what the other person is truly thinking and feeling as opposed to what they are telling us.
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Deciphering a person’s nonverbal cues can be challenging. As we all know, a smile doesn’t always mean the person is enjoying our company. Their smile could be an attempt to win our approval or their smile could be communicating their contempt for us. A person’s silent language needs to be interpreted within the context of the relationship and the circumstances of the interaction.
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The other difficulty in reading a person’s nonverbal cues is that many of them happen in less than half a second. These “micro-expressions”, as they are called, are usually sent and received unconsciously. Because so many of our nonverbal exchanges are happening on an unconscious level, it’s important to trust our intuition and immediate impression. If we have a gut feeling that someone is annoyed with us, we need to acknowledge the feeling and identify its source. Is their tone of voice more gruff than usual? Is their posture shut down? Are they struggling to give us eye contact?
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If we notice nonverbal signals that support our feeling, we can then take the
initiative to ask the person if they are upset with us. The better we are at reading a person’s nonverbal cues, the more we’ll be able to encourage them to share with us what they are genuinely thinking and feeling versus what they think we want to hear. Otherwise, we could be in a close relationship with someone but, because we aren’t tuned in to their silent language, we have little to no idea what is truly going on with them.
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We all have a natural tendency to take people at their word, but people’s words are not particularly reliable when it comes to what they are thinking and feeling deep down. So, when you are giving someone your full attention and holding them with your deep compassionate listening, you will also need to pay close attention to their nonverbal cues. Fight your instinct to relax and take what they are saying at face value. Stay alert and also observe what they are silently communicating. Be especially attentive to any incongruities between what they are saying and their body language.
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As you tune in to your partner’s nonverbal cues, you will also need to pay attention to the wordless signals you are sending. Are you maintaining eye contact? Is your body language inviting or closed off? Are you nodding along to signal that you are engaged and listening? Our nonverbal cues, when intentionally expressed, can help build trust and connection. More than any words we might say, our nonverbal language – a warm smile or reassuring touch on the arm – is how we let people feel our empathy and compassion.
Our Attention Starts and Ends With Us
The principle Giving Our Full Attention also involves paying close attention to our own thoughts and feelings as we interact with someone. What is coming up for us as we engage with the other person? Are we feeling distracted, impatient, jealous or the tiniest bit inadequate? Our relationships offer us an opportunity to get in touch with emotions and issues lingering just outside our conscious minds.
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Experiencing challenging emotions in our relationships is not pleasant. However, when negative feelings do come up, it’s important to remember that what we are experiencing is perfectly normal. So, instead of reproaching ourselves for some difficult emotion we might be having, we need to accept with kindness the truth of how we are feeling. The emotion is telling us something important about ourselves, and we need to give it the attention it is asking of us.
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So, if you do experience jealousy over a friend’s good fortune, for example, try to investigate its source. What in your own life do you feel is lacking? Is it your job, your friendships, tension with your romantic partner? Confronting the underlying causes for the dark emotions we are having can be painful (there was a reason after all that we repressed them), but staying open and inquisitive, trying to understand the reason for our reaction, is how we become more self-aware and grow. Our relationships serve as an inescapable litmus test for what is truly going on with us. Welcome the opportunity, no matter how uncomfortable, for the personal growth and change that they offer.
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While one nagging emotion might overshadow our interaction with someone, more often than not, an unruly parade of thoughts and feelings will run through our mind as we give our full attention to someone. When a random thought does bubble up, we simply acknowledge it and, as we would do in mindfulness meditation, let it go and bring our attention back to the person we are with. In co-mindfulness, when we give our full attention to someone, we are essentially in meditation with that person, observing with compassion what comes up for them, and for us, as we keep redirecting our attention to the present moment.
“We think we listen, but very rarely do we listen with real understanding, true empathy. Yet listening, of this very special kind, is one of the most potent forces for change that I know.”
Carl Rogers
You can read more about the 9 different types of nonverbal communication here.
“The most important thing in communication is to hear what isn’t being said.”
Peter Drucker
Rose 3, by dada22 (print available)
If you notice a disparity between your partner’s words and their body language, inquire about it. You could say something like “You say you are…. but I notice that you….” Such thoughtful observations shared in a sympathetic, non-judgmental way can increase the trust and intimacy we experience in our relationships.
Expressions of Empathy
I understand how you feel.
I can see you are in a lot of pain.
Untitled, by Anisa Romero
Evaluating Your Relationships
How would you describe your relationships with family and friends?
In which relationships do you feel most happy and fulfilled? Why?
In which relationships do you feel most dissatisfied and challenged? Why?
What do you value most about your close relationships?
What strengths do you bring to your relationships?
What aspects of your relationships would you like to improve?
geometry shapes, by Ana Rut Bre
Questions to Guide Your Practice
The “We” Part of Ourselves
We live in a culture that puts an almost pathological emphasis on the “me” part of ourselves. In co-mindfulness, it’s the “we” part of ourselves that we are cultivating. Our sense of self exists as much in our relationships as it does within ourselves. When we give our full attention to a loved one to deepen our connection with them, we are at the same time deepening the connection we have with ourselves. The more of an effort we make to deeply listen and understand someone, the more we come to understand ourselves. The empathy we extend to others, we also extend to ourselves. Who we are cannot be separated from our relationships.
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What I admire most about what you are doing…
No wonder you’re upset.
That sounds very frustrating.
I’m so sorry you are going through this.
That must have really hurt you.
Before Practicing Giving Our Full Attention
How often do you make a conscious effort to give your full attention to
someone?
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Do you consider yourself a good listener? Why or why not?
When was the last time someone really listened to what you had to say?
How did the experience make you feel?
How often do you think about your body language, facial expressions and
tone of voice when communicating with someone?
How do you express gratitude in your relationships?
After Practicing Giving Our Full Attention
What changes did you notice in your partner while practicing Giving Our
Full Attention?
Was it hard not to let your mind wander or interrupt while deeply
listening to your partner?
What did your partner’s nonverbal cues reveal about them?
How did you communicate nonverbally with your partner?
What did you learn about yourself practicing the principle?