Connecting With Love
“Love is not primarily a relationship to a specific person; it is an attitude, an orientation of character which determines the relatedness of a person to the world as a whole.”
Erich Fromm
We wait for the day when love will sweep us off our feet, when we’ll fall head over heals in love, be drunk with love. “Love is the drug,” as Brian Ferry of Roxy Music crooned and our addiction to it is rapacious. Romance novels, poems, pop songs, and rom-coms portraying the agonies and ecstasies of love groom us for the moment when Cupid’s arrow will strike us down and we’ll be thrown into love’s intoxicating embrace.
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While everyone enjoys a great love story, it’s important to recognize that our culture’s obsession with romantic love, especially its early stages, has grossly limited love’s potential in our lives. It’s reduced love to a passive state, a private affair between two people. We’ve been reduced to victims forced to accept love’s designs for us. But love isn’t something that happens to us; it’s a choice. We don’t wait for love; we give love. Love isn’t limited to two people or a small group of people. It’s boundless and confined only by our lack of imagination and willingness to act.
Let It All Go, by Paula Belle Flores (print available)
Sun_Double_Line_Pop_Art by forgetme
“In this universe it is love that binds everything together. Love is the very foundation, beauty and fulfillment of life.” Amma
“I still believe that mankind will rise up to the occasion. In spite of the darkness of the hour, in spite of the difficulties of the moment, in spite of these days of emotional tension, when the problems of the world are gigantic in extent and chaotic in detail, I still have faith in the future, and I still believe that we can build this society of brotherhood and this society of peace.”
Martin Luther King Jr.
Love as a Force for Change
French theologian Pierre Teilhard de Chardin wrote, “A universal love is not
only psychologically possible; it is the only complete and final way in which we are able to love.” When we focus so much of our time and energy on romantic love, we do ourselves and love a great disservice. It’s like being confronted with the whole of the electro-magnetic spectrum and fixating on the color red. Red is a dazzling color, but there are other incredible colors on the spectrum, not to mention infrared light, ultraviolet light, and gamma and radio waves. Like the electro-magnetic spectrum, love is continuous and infinite with wavelengths that we can see (the love for our partner, family and friends) and wavelengths that are beyond our vision (the love for our fellow human beings and other living creatures that exist beyond our immediate sphere). When we embrace the full spectrum of love, we make our love a force for change, the only force powerful enough to dispel the hatred and greed that plague us.
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And so, in co-mindfulness, we resolve to choose love with every person we meet. With every interaction we have, we resolve to create a micro-moment of connection, a moment of shared positivity, a moment of love. There is no other sane choice left us but to orient ourselves more and more toward love, for our fellow human beings, for our planet, for all sentient beings. As the Dalai Lama has so starkly put it: “Love and compassion are necessities, not luxuries. Without them, humanity cannot survive.”
Visit our Give Back page and make your love a force for change.
Before Practicing Connecting With Love
Who in your life most embodies pure unconditional love? What attributes do they possess that allows them to be so selfless and loving?
Has there ever been a situation where you’ve consciously chosen to give love without receiving anything in return? How did that choice make you feel?
How would you describe your brief daily interactions with others? What
can you do to create more “micro-moments of connection” in your life?
After Practicing Connecting With Love
What situations with your partner gave you an opportunity to respond with love? How did intentionally choosing love make you feel?
What situations with your partner did you find more challenging to respond with unconditional love?
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How did you create more “micro-moments of connection”? How did approaching every interaction as an opportunity to generate love and connection impact your state of mind and well-being?
How has your practice of co-mindfulness affected your relationship with your partner? What have you learned about yourself practicing co-mindfulness?
Are there other relationships that would benefit from you putting into practice
the 7 co-mindfulness principles? What can you do to continue making
co-mindfulness a part of your life?
Branching Out, by City Art (print available)
Micro-Moments of Connection
We human beings are a social species, hardwired to connect. A major part of our social wiring lies with our vagus nerve. The vagus nerve is the longest nerve in the human body, emerging from our brain stem, running down our neck and passing around our digestive system, liver, spleen, pancreas, heart and lungs. As part of our parasympathetic nervous system, the vagus nerve is in charge of our digestion, respiration and heart rate. It’s the nerve primarily responsible for what is known as the “mind-body connection.” When someone says, “Trust your gut,” what they’re really saying is, “Trust your vagus nerve.” “Vagal tone” refers to the activity of the vagus nerve. High vagal tone (when the vagus nerve is more active) is associated with lower blood pressure, better blood sugar regulation, a lower heart rate, better mood, decreased levels of inflammation, and a reduced risk of stroke and cardiovascular disease. Low vagal tone is linked to depression, diabetes, chronic fatigue syndrome, cognitive impairment, higher rates of inflammation and cardiovascular conditions and stroke.
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As you’ve probably guessed from everything you’ve read about our relationships so far, people with close supportive friends have higher vagal tone levels than people with ambivalent friendships. However, it’s not just strong supportive relationships that improve our vagal tone. As psychologist Barbara Fredrickson explains in her book Love 2.0: Finding Happiness and Health in Moments of Connection, “micro-moments of connection” also increase our vagal tone. It could be a laugh shared with a friend, a smile exchanged with a stranger, a compliment given to the cashier ringing up our order. Any time two people share in a positive feeling, no matter how fleeting, our vagus nerve becomes more active, slowing down our heart rate and improving our mood. You might assume that these micro-moments of connection are too small to make a significant impact on our health and happiness. But, experienced over days, weeks, months and years, these fleeting moments of connection greatly impact our physical and emotional well-being.
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An added bonus of these moments of “shared positivity” is that they also benefit the other person. A moment of shared goodwill between two people or a group of people physically changes everyone involved. Studies have shown that when we hit it off with someone, our gestures, biochemistries and neural firings fall into sync to create what Fredrickson calls “positivity resonance.” As our biochemical processes influence and mirror each other, each person receives a boost of good feeling and health. While we can certainly improve our health with diet and exercise, a far easier and more emotionally rewarding way to invest in our health is to increase our micro-moments of connection with people. When we embrace this path to health, we are improving not only our own health but also the health of everyone we come into contact with. All throughout the day, we have the opportunity to give and receive energy and health while also contributing to creating a kinder and more compassionate world.