Committing to the Truth

The truth is we are all liars. And we don’t just lie once in a while either. We lie frequently and often without being aware that we are doing so. A study from the University of Massachusetts found that in a 10-minute conversation we are apt to lie 2-3 times, and it doesn’t matter if we are talking with a stranger, a colleague or our spouse. Granted, most of the lies we tell are small white lies whose social acceptance allows us to resort to them as frequently as we do. Although white lies might seem harmless, they can over time lead to a lack of authenticity in our relationships. We habitually trade in small white lies and one day we wake up not knowing where we really stand with the people in our lives. White lies can also create in us a false understanding of ourselves. We think people are impressed when we tell them about our accomplishments when just the opposite is true. The other problem with small white lies is that they can grow into bigger lies.

We get away with lying as much as we do because people want to believe our lies and we want to believe the lies we are told. But lying to make people feel good about themselves – why women tend to lie – is not a mindful way to be in a relationship. Lying to make ourselves look better – why men tend to lie – is also not a mindful way to be in relationship. In both cases, we are being at best less than authentic and at worse misleading. So, while speaking the truth can be uncomfortable, and even risky at times, we believe the long-term benefits are well worth it.

Most of us are less than honest in our relationships because we don’t want to hurt someone’s feelings or chance someone becoming angry with us. We’d rather lie or keep our thoughts and feelings to ourselves than speak the truth and risk conflict with someone. However, for most people, if we tell them an uncomfortable truth from a place of empathy and concern, they are very likely to welcome what we have to say. After all, if our actions are hurtful or off-putting, most of us want to know rather than have our friends and family silently withdraw from us. And so, in co-mindfulness, we express our sympathy and understanding (“I understand you wanted to…” “I appreciate why you…”) and then let the person know what we honestly think and feel. Committing to the truth with someone is a sign of how much we value and care for them. If we didn’t think that highly of the person, if we weren’t deeply concerned for their welfare, we wouldn’t bother telling them the truth.

Inviting Criticism

Another way to keep our relationships honest and healthy is to invite criticism from people. Criticism is powerful. All of us have experienced how deeply wounding someone’s criticism of us can be, how a snide remark unleashed in a moment of anger can stay with us far longer and in much greater detail than lavish words of praise. It turns out that there’s a neurological reason for why people’s criticisms make such a strong and lasting impression. To assure our survival, our brains evolved to physiologically place more importance on negative stimuli than positive ones. Because negative stimuli are perceived by our brains as posing a danger, our brains respond quickly and strongly to any negative messages we receive.

This hardwiring of our brains, which has given criticism such a bad reputation, is deeply problematic because we all need thoughtful and constructive feedback if we want to learn about ourselves and grow. For this reason, in co-mindfulness, we invite the criticism. We don’t wait for someone to criticize us when are brains are more likely to perceive their criticism as a threat. Instead, we seek out the criticism to blunt the signal from our brain that we are under attack. By taking this initiative, we ensure that the criticism will sting less and we’ll be better able to hear what the other person is telling us about ourselves.

Minimizing our brain’s strong reaction to criticism involves humbly accepting that none of us is perfect. We will make mistakes. We will hurt and offend people without intending to. Under stress or in a moment of anger, we will intentionally wound people. While accepting our imperfections shouldn’t be an excuse for bad behavior, it should create a space from which we can proactively and without a lot of fuss invite people to tell us the truth about ourselves. The beauty of our lives is that they are not set in stone. Although it might be more challenging to change our ways as we get older, aging doesn’t prohibit change. As long as we approach our lives as a creative venture and not a foregone conclusion, personal growth and change are always possible if we remain curious, humble and open.

And so, leading with curiosity and a dose of humility, we invite the criticism. We don’t wait, we act. We don’t add to the tension, we diffuse it by simply and directly asking, “Have I said something to hurt or offend you?” We then kindly listen to what the person has to say. Afterwards, we express our gratitude for the trust the person has placed in us and for the truth about ourselves that they have revealed.

No Escaping the Truth

Whether we try to skirt the truth with a small white lie or by keeping silent, the truth will eventually find us. Those difficult emotions we’ve been experiencing with someone and ignoring will morph over time into resentment, disinterest or ill will. There is no escaping the truth, which is why in co-mindfulness we commit to the truth with the people we value and trust. We acknowledge with the other person that the truth is the only way we can gain the self-knowledge we seek. We recognize that we are making this commitment to the truth out of the love and high regard we have for each other. Everyone can be counted on to lie to us, which is why we need to cultivate and cherish the people who will tell us the truth. Committing to the truth leads to more trust and intimacy in our relationships. It also ensures that we are not complicit in the generation of lies, half-truths, deceptions and manipulations that have come to define our Post-Truth Era.