Co-Mindfulness
Mindfulness is the ability to bring our full attention to the present moment from a place of compassion and non-judgment. While mindfulness isn’t restricted to time spent on a pillow meditating, it is an intrinsically inward practice focused on changing people’s intrapersonal habits. What is co-mindfulness? A practice focused on changing people’s interpersonal ones.
As the science keeps telling us, the single greatest factor determining how long we live and how happy we are is our relationships. No matter how much we might watch what we eat, exercise, or meditate, if our relationships are hurting, we are hurting. So, how can we develop healthy relationship habits, like we do healthy eating or exercise habits? Because, like diet, exercise, or meditation, improving our relationships is not a one-time effort and we’re done. It’s a life-long commitment that requires a fundamental shift in how we value and engage with each other.
While it's generally assumed that the self-compassion cultivated in mindfulness meditation will naturally spill over to other people, like any aspect of our lives, transforming how we approach and navigate our relationships requires our intentionality and effort. Co-mindfulness is a wellness practice that uniquely addresses our health, happiness, and well-being through our social connections and interactions. Co-mindfulness does this with its 7 core principles designed to help us be more fully and compassionately present to the people in our lives. The aim is to make each principle such an ingrained habit that we do it instinctively without thinking. When the principles become the foundation of how we interact with others, we can more fully experience the health, happiness, and sense of fulfillment that our relationships have to offer us.
Read more about the power of our attention and self-compassion below. If you're ready to get started and practice, click here.
“If we have no peace, it’s because we have forgotten that we belong to each other.”
Mother Teresa
Letting Go, by Flora Bowley (print available)
The 7 Principles
Flying Dandelion, by Luisa Azevedo (print available)
The Power of Our Attention
In the digital age, our attention has become an extremely valuable resource. Websites, social media platforms, blogs, podcasts and more all compete to attract our attention and keep it for as long as possible. Maybe you’ve never thought about your attention as a resource before. The titans of our attention economy have; they’ve made billions of dollars from your attention.
Our attention is extremely valuable but not because other people can profit from it. Our attention is not a resource for others to mine and exploit. Rather, our attention is a gift that we have to give other people. More than any material object, our attention can heal others by making them feel seen and understood. When given wholeheartedly and without judgment, our attention fosters connection and understanding and can help bridge the differences that divide us.
If we want to feel connected, fulfilled and whole, if we want to repair the deep tears to our social fabric that the toxic environment of the internet has wrought, we need to wrest our attention back from our endlessly distracting screens and become much more mindful about where and how we choose to give our attention. Our attention is the priceless resource that can deepen our relationships, strengthen our communities, and begin to heal our world.
Salvador Dali, by Enuolin’s Shop (print available)
“Do things for people not because of who they are or what they do in return, but because of who you are.”
Rabbi Harold Kushner,
When Bad Things Happen to Good People
The Selfish Joy of Giving
Co-mindfulness is a fundamentally giving practice and studies have shown that whether we are rich or poor, across cultures, giving is a much more enjoyable experience for us than receiving is.
Brain-imaging studies conducted by the National Institutes of Health have revealed that the parts of our brain that are active when we experience pleasure like dessert, drugs and sex are also active when we donate money to charity. The age-old adage that “It’s better to give than to receive” turns out to be truer than most of us might realize. We would go so far as to say that acting charitably is one of the most selfish and joyful behaviors that we can choose to do for ourselves.
So, as magnanimous as the practice of co-mindfulness might seem, when we consciously choose to give our full attention and compassion to someone else, we are actually receiving much more from our practice than the other person.
Compassion Begins With Oneself
To extend kindness and compassion to others, we first have to show kindness and compassion to ourselves. Whether you practice mindfulness meditation or not, it’s vitally important that you carve out time from your busy schedule to practice self-care. For you, that might mean curling up with a good book, going to the gym, taking a walk outside or listening to your favorite podcast. Self-care might sound self-indulgent, but when we we set aside time to look after our own well-being, we’re not just taking care of our own needs. We’re reinvigorating ourselves so we can be the best version of ourselves for our loved ones.
Taking time out from our many responsibilities to do something that energizes and restores us is one way to practice self-care. Another way is to recognize and accept times when we are feeling less than our best. In mindfulness meditation, this recognition and gentle acceptance of how we are feeling – frustrated, sad, anxious, overwhelmed - is known as self-compassion. Self-compassion recognizes our imperfect humanity kindly and without judgment. The more we can accept with compassion our own personal struggles, the more compassion we will have for others.
In a study from the University of British Columbia, people who spent money on others felt significantly happier than people who spent money on themselves.
Within, by ayamaries (print available)
If you need support with self-care, download the free Healthy Minds Program App here. The app contains seated and active practices and podcast-style lessons.
Prefer to meditate with others? Join a group meditation on Zoom hosted by Everyday Mindfulness every Monday & Wednesday at 6pm (London time).